


The Doctor's Confession

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Liquid Realities [2]
Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors
Genre: F/M, Gen, POV Experimental, PTSD, Post-regeneration, Prequel, Stover-esque, Tenth Doctor era (Nine), ninth doctor era (eight)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-07 18:29:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/434073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Satellite Five, the Doctor finally manages to tell Rose a bit about the Time War -- while at the same time coming to grips with his regeneration. Some Doctor/Rose, more playing around in the Nine-In-The-Ten-Era.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor's Confession

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Decided to use some rather Stover-esque second person for this one. Weird, I know, but it seemed like the best choice for this story.

This is how it feels to be the ninth incarnation of the Doctor, standing before the mirror, observing your new features. You can't say that you like them too much -- they're too angular, too...almost cold looking, and the ears are a bit too big. The nose is too big as well. Everything about this new face seems cold, haunted, even, a bit mismatched -- perhaps you'll get used to it in time. You always do.

You have a feeling that it's going to be a while, though.

Rose, of course, doesn't quite mind. Granted, it took a while for her to come around to your new persona -- you remember how she was worried, at least at first, about how you might not actually be the Doctor, but some sort of alien taking on his guise to fool her. And to be fair, you can't say that you blame her. If anything, this is the first time that she's seen a regeneration -- she's been all but plopped out of her dreary dead-end life (at least, from how she describes it; you can't say that you agree. At the very least, she has some people to hold onto. You are the last Time Lord in existence; you can't say that you have such luxuries) into a far more dangerous one. An exciting one, yes, the adventure of a lifetime, yes, but dangerous all the same.

She is very much like the heroes on the Hero's Journey, so to speak -- the everyman (or everywoman, in this case) in a new environment. Trying to find herself, no doubt -- as you are trying to find yourself.

You can't say that it's easy.

You have done many bad things in the past, large and small. You can still remember the Master burning to death before your eyes, even as he cried out for one last scrap of mercy from you, his former friend -- something you could not give. You can still remember Peri, frightened and confused by the changes in your personality after your traumatic regeneration into your sixth persona. You can still remember about...everything, really. And in all honesty, you wish that you didn't.

  


***

Breakfast in the TARDIS. Even now, sitting with Rose at the control room table, she raises an eyebrow at your outfit. "You look like you escaped from gaol," she says, but there's a playful edge in her voice.

You laugh, in spite of yourself. "I sincerely hope you don't mean a dungeon in Cardiff."

"Not really," she says. The both of you laugh, and it feels good to laugh for a bit -- after the initial shock of regeneration, it feels like things have gone...back to normal, really.

Then Rose becomes more serious. "Are you all right?"

"All right? Of course. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well...you don't look like you got enough sleep."

You chuckle, rather dismally. "I can't say that I've got enough sleep in quite a while. Travel can do that to a man. I'll be fine."  
  
Silence.

"Doctor...when we first met the Nestene consciousness -- you said something. About...not being able to save it."  
  
You can still remember. How you tried to reach out to it in vain, how you tried to apologize for not being able to save its protein planets during the Time War. How it had become enraged when it saw that you had the anti-plastic.  
  
"I mean," Rose says, hurriedly, "I wanted to ask you about it, but -- ''  
  
"It's all right, Rose." Even now, taking a deep breath, you don't even know where to begin. How you, in your infinite attempted heroism, tried to save Davros and his fleet from disappearing into the jaws of the Nightmare Child. How the Daleks had attacked the Cruciform, how, in order to end the conflict and save the universe from Rassilon's madness, you had to destroy Dalek and Timelord alike. But at the very least, you tell her the bare details. A conflict in time so great that was eventually resolved and time locked if only so it could not be altered by the opposing side. How you lost friends in that war -- there's a sharp pang of guilt as you remember Romana. And Susan.  
  
You used to be a father and a grandfather. Now you are neither.  
  
Rose seems horrified at first, and rightfully so. If she knew the true extent of what you did, she wouldn't forgive you. Or at the very least, she wouldn't understand -- she wasn't meant to know things such as this. She deserves a better life than this. And yet at the same time, she's refused to listen to you. She came back for you when you were fighting against the Dalek Emperor.   
  
And then she speaks, softer now. "Doctor...come here."  
  
She draws you into a hug. It's only now that you notice the difference between your height and hers -- it seems as if you practically tower over her now. Nevertheless, in between the slight awkwardness regarding your respective heights, you feel better than you have in a long time.  
  
You won't get over the Time War overnight. You doubt you ever will.  
  
But at least with Rose by your side, the journey will be made (hopefully) a little easier. 


End file.
